Dream No. 1

Text sent to you on Sept. 18, 2020, 6:47 AM

I just dreamed I was looking out the bedroom window and I saw you walking in the back garage door. You were smiling and waving toward the driveway, as if you were talking to someone … Denny maybe. You were relaxed and laughing as you waved at him. Then you kind of leapt through the door as if you were anxious to get inside.

My heart started pounding in the happiest of ways and I quickly shut my eyes., trying to control my breathing. “Jim’s HOME!” my brain was screaming. “He’s home!” I assumed you were trying to surprise me and I willed myself to stay put, in control. “Don’t blow it! Don’t ruin his surprise!” I tried to hard to keep my eyes shut and keep breathing.

I heard you on the back step, heard the back door open and I forced myself to just hold on for a couple more seconds. It was finally over. This whole painful, screwed up, horrible mess was FINALLY over. Just pretend like you are sleeping and let him surprise you! It will be a nod to the early days and a great way to kick off the next chapter.

I could tell you were trying to be quiet as you snuckthrough the kitchen and into the bedroom. My ears were so happy to hear your breath. I could smell that familiar Jim/semi/fuel/chew scent and it was all I could do to not flinch.

You gingerly sat on the bed, gently touching my hip to give me a little shake in an effort to wake me.

By now, my heart was pounding so hard and my breathing was just about impossible to control.

Slowly, to savor the moment, I opened my eyes and ...

You. Weren’t. There.

In a crash, I realized it was a dream. A cruel, crushing, devastating dream.

And all the hurt and the fear and the pain came crashing back into my soul.

The sobs came quickly. Loud, wailing … so hard I couldn’t breathe.

It was all so real.

I am crying so hard right now i can barely breathe. It was so damn real.

Is it a sign? Are you on your way home? Is it over? Are you ok? Am i going to hear from you today?

After that horrible start to the day, I fell apart.  I called my sister and asked her if she could come over that night because I was not OK. She came. I told her the whole damn story. The fact that you had been out of communication for more than a week. The business failure. The tension. The fact that you hadn’t been here in a year. I told her about all of the phone calls and the discussions and the texts and the promises and the I love yous and the fears.

After a few hours, numb from crying, I sent her home.

I climbed in bed, not knowing what to do with all this pain. I googled your name. And I saw the IA, NC and WY addresses.

I saw her name with yours at every one.

And I fell into a black hole.

 

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