Dream No. 2

I have gotten into the unfortunate sleep pattern of waking up between 3 and 4 a.m. I mean, I'm up-up. Wide awake. I usually grab my phone and turn on the TV, looking for something to lull me back to slumber. 

Most days, I'm awake for about an hour and then I kind of fall back into a catnap like state ... not really full sleeping, but hovering between asleep and awake, only to pop back up again by 5:30 or 6 a.m. 

Today, in that twilight, I had another dream about you. 

We were at the house. You'd been gone on a long run and had just returned for a quick food/laundry/kiss on the cheek/see ya later stop. I was so happy to see you. So thrilled to touch you and look in your eyes. 

You seemed so happy. So energetic. So full of life. 

I thought you were staying. But you said you had to go. You packed your red duffle bag, gave me a peck and out the door you went. 

The next morning, I woke up and went outside to see your truck and trailer parked in the driveway. 

How strange, I thought. Where did he go? Where where you? 

I walked around the truck, looking under it, in between the hookups and axles. I opened the trailer doors and it was packed full. 

I climbed up on the cab steps and peered inside. Everything looked just like you left it. A few coins in the tray on the dash. A half a pack of gum. A worn chew container. 

In fact, the cab was even full of more stuff from the trailer. It was packed tight ... with just enough room for you to sit. 

I tried the door and it was open. I sat in the driver seat and saw the bills of lading. This was a hot load and it had to get to wherever it was going right now, or we'd lose everything. I don't remember how I could tell that from the paperwork, but I understood it just the same. 

This load had to be delivered or else. 

And, I could also tell in that instant that you were gone. 

You had packed up, kissed me goodbye, and left me for good. 

For her. 

You left me with this mess to handle. 

I had to drive the damn truck and get this load where it needed to go, or I'd lose everything. 

I sat and cried. I didn't know how to drive a truck! I looked around for help. We were close to a road with some businesses on it, but nothing was open at this early hour. And, I admonished myself ... what would I do if they were? Knock on their doors and ask someone to teach me to drive a truck? 

I was scared. I was alone. And I had to figure it out. 

So I punched in the clutch and turned the key. Sobbing. Why am I always sobbing? 

And I tried to go forward. 

I woke up with tears on my face, realizing that you really had left me alone. All alone. You'd thrown me away. And I was left with all of the mess with no one to help. 

I don't know if you'll ever understand how alone I feel right now. How completely, utterly, terrifyingly alone. 

Again. 

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