You matter.

 

Jim,

This is hard to write. I’m not 100% sure you’ll read it. But, I have to try.

First, I want you to know I care about you. In the old days, you know, like last week, I would not have hesitated to say I love you. But, at the moment, that feels much to vulnerable given all that has transpired in the past few days. The truth is, after loving someone with everything I have and everything I am for 20 years, those feelings don’t just switch off with even the greatest of transgressions tossed out into the stratosphere for all the world to see. My heart is lagging a bit behind my head at the moment.

Secondly, I want you to know that I believe in you. I always have, even when I shouldn’t. I feel uniquely qualified to discern the truth that is in YOUR heart. There is a beautiful and dazzling light in there, even though it is buried deep and tangled in a lot of turmoil right now.

So here’s what I want you to know.

You matter.

You matter. You matter. You matter. That means you are forgivable. You are worthy. And, you are valuable. Period. Hard stop.

You have spent a lot of time talking to me about the struggle in your head. You have talked a lot about  how everything feels out of control. I know that look in your eyes. It’s evident on your face. You can’t hide the fear it creates, no matter how hard you try.

So, again, knowing that I come from a place of love, there is one thing I want you to always remember:

No matter where you are, no matter what you need, I am here to help you find you.

I know you’re not proud of what happened. You’re ashamed. And embarrassed. And you think there’s no way out.

But most of all, you’re scared and you’re tired. You know what you’ve done is wrong and the fact that you could do it scares you. The guilt is almost unbearable. It makes your stomach hurt and your head throb and your breath catch. And eventually, you are just numb.

You want to know why you do this. You want to understand how you get there. And you really just want it to all go away.

I want you to know that there is no such thing as a point of no return.

I want you to know that you are worth the effort to try and figure this out.

I want you to know that your family and friends want to see you happy and whole above all else.

We’ve talked about this so many times on the phone. We’ve talked about how whether we end up together or not, we still want to treat each other with dignity and respect.

You need help to figure this out. I want you to get it. For you … so you can be whole again.

And for Kati’s sake, I want you to get it. She deserves her dad and you need her in your life.

So if there is ever any way I can help facilitate that move toward help, I want you to know I am here for you. Period.

You matter. You matter. You matter.

(And now you know why that Brene Brown stuff struck such a chord in me.) 

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