I feel like a fool.

Remember how we joked about how unobservant I was? 

You'd grow your hunting beard every November and then, eventually, in December or January, you'd shave it off.

Sometimes I wouldn't notice for a few days. Or maybe even longer. 

Eventually, you'd ask me if I noticed and I'd feel kind of stupid. Clearly, I saw you every day. How did I not notice? In my head, it was because half of the time you had a beard and half of the time you didn't, so it wasn't something I thought about at all. I didn't really care if you had one or not. It was you I loved, and facial hair wasn't that big of a deal. 

I also had trouble remembering the exact date of our anniversary. I knew it was March. The 5th, 8th, or 9th. Again ... a detail. One of them was Kati's bday, one was my friend Maria's, one was Carol and Jackie's. I always thought that gave you a little break. You didn't have to feel pressured to hit the exact right day because I might not either. 

And then there's the famous story of me meeting you on the road as we drove in opposite directions, You were in a bobtail semi, lights flashing, arms waving. Me, on my way to work, deep in thought about something ... not noticing you at all. When my phone rang, and you asked if I'd seen that big white truck I just passed, I looked in my rearview mirror and there you were. 

I always thought these stories were charming. We all have those things about us that we'd like to be different. But sometimes, they just are. A little embarrassing? Sure. But not catastrophic. 

I think you counted on those weak powers of observation when the business stuff started to crumble. And I know you counted on it when you decided to cheat. 

But, man, do I feel like a fool. A complete and total idiot. 

How did I not know you were checking out? 

How did I not know you stopped loving me? 

How did I not know you were living somewhere else? 

To be fair, you were still here, at least in the beginning. And you were telling me you loved me. And you swore you weren't living somewhere else. 

You let me look like a fool. 

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